Telling Off a Rabbi

I’ve done this once.

And it wasn’t even a rabbi that I knew well.

Why? Because from the pulpit, he gave a great long speech about the dangers of intermarriage and how that was going to decrease the numbers of Jews.

Really annoyed at hearing this rant against intermarriage as the source of the problem again I decided to say something about it. (One of the reasons why people looked at me with amazement when in college was because they were all brain-washed to believe that all kids of intermarriage were permanantly lost to the tribe!)

Now, this rabbi’s custom was to shake hands with everyone as they left shul after a long and arduous fast. So when it came my turn, I told him, “Thank you for including me in your shul. By the way, I just wanted to let you know that I am from an intermarried couple.”

I think that sufficized to make my point. My hosts were the family of a friend from college and they knew me and they were members of the shul. Obviously, I was not some lost and confused soul who happened upon the shul.

I don’t know if that made a difference in the way the rabbi thought about children of intermarriage.

By the way, this article eloquently articulates a point that I have been making for years: That intermarriage itself is not the source of evil, but rather, that it is the symptom of indifference towards Judaism. I thank the author for writing this and publishing it in a journal. One point I would add though, is that it is good to know that in fact, perhaps because of their backgrounds, children of intermarried couples often engage with Judaism with a lot more fervour than the average two-Jewish-parented Jew when they decide to. And you know what, it’s not so uncommon.

 

Having Something Directed at You and Not 当事者であること

This has been one of the wars I have been waging in my Japanese blog (you can look at this post (in Japanese) if you want to hear it most directly): That is, it’s very difficult to hear or even notice prejudiced remarks that are not directed at you.

This is one of the most infuriating things about people telling me that I am mistaken about something that I heard or saw directed at me. Granted, there is a fine line between being overly self-conscious and thinking that the whole world revolves around you (and so thinking that any comment made to a “stranger” is directed towards you) versus just noticing things when people are being slyly (or not so subtly) prejudiced.

Growing up a minority where that reality is allowed to escape so rarely though, I must say that it is slightly difficult (I am being sarcastic by saying “slightly”) not to be a little self-conscious and nervous about people looking at you weird. The “well-adjusted” person who has been so scarcely in a position where they really are minorities (I’m not talking about people who have “minority conscience” but have really not experienced living as a minority), often tells me and other minorities, “Stop being so self-conscious. People are not talking about you.”

I have heard comments like this coming from many mono-racial/ethnic parents of multiracial individuals. I have also heard this coming from Ashkenazi Jews (particularly of an older generation though not always) who hear the experience of non-Ashkenazi Jews as being made to feel uncomfortable by their Ashkenazi counterparts.

For the parents, it’s hurtful and sometimes unbelievable to them that their kids’ lived experience as a Jew or a person might be different from theirs. They also have never been in their kids’ shoes and just can’t see those stares coming from across the crosswalk, the questioning gaze of the stranger in shul, the quick back and forth of the eyes between them and their parents.

For the Ashkenazi Jews, they don’t notice the strange stares and pregnant silences directed at the “Jew of Color.” What they see is their self-image of the smiling and inviting faces that say nothing wrong and accepts with open arms, the (“honestly strange, but I’m not going to say that!!”) “stranger” amidst them. What this “do-good” “non-prejudiced” person doesn’t see is the many others who are shying away and even giving strange looks to the person who is “being welcomed with open arms.” You might be doing your best, but if you can’t tell other people to the same, if you can’t advocate for the minority that is still feeling uncomfortable, the only thing you’ve done is to raise your own status for being the courageous cool person that is able to “reach out” to the (obvious) “stranger.” Very annoying indeed to be used that way.

From my perspective, the “racist” who knows that she is a “racist” is a lot easier to deal with. And I will make full disclosure that I am “racist” too. Not in that I discriminate against people, but in that I am also prone to making certain assumptions about people based on their appearence. I also don’t know about everyone’s experience so I make mistakes in my assumptions. My ignorance can sometimes hurt someone. I know that and so I try to rain it in, but I am not always sucessful.

I am closing with a story that I hope illustrates my point better:

In a part of the country that is known as being “very liberal,” I once stood in line at a drug store behind an old black American woman. A white employee, when trying to pass by her, mistakenly brushed against her. She was angry, thinking that he had done that in purpose because she was black. As I listened to her rant, I thought, “Well, I do think that she is a little crazy, but I also know where that is coming from. She is obviously from a generation where racism against blacks were rampent and the norm. 20years ago, that might actually been a racist act. How is she to know that today in this area, that is unlikely. (Also I saw the young employee’s genuinely surprised face, which told me that he had hardly noticed that he had even touched her.) Most of life experience tells her that that was a racist act.”

Note: By the way, at my “home shul,” I haven’t really had any of these problems at all. That’s one of the reasons I feel so very comfortable there all the time.

 

Being a Soupaterian

I am a fishaterian as a way of compromise. Really, I want to be a Breatharian, but I don’t find that feasible.

Misha once told me about the Breatharian guru in Santa Cruz.

Apparently, there was a scandal in Santa Cruz because the Breatharian guru who was preaching to others to not eat food, was spotted walking out of the local burger shop with a big fat hamburger in his hand.

I know…. It’s not possible for us to live entirely on bacteria-free water and air. I know I know and yet that’s what I would LOVE to do.

I sometimes turn into a breatharian part-time. This stems from the fact that I have a not such good habit of frequently turning into a breatharian during the day when Misha is not around to put food on the table. This is especially likely to happen when my work is going well and I am really into what I am doing. I keep saying, “oh, let me just finish this up and then I will get up and have that rice.” But really, that moment keeps getting pushed off until, well, Misha’s turns up.

Slightly concerned about my state of health, Misha recently started to tell me exactly what kind of ready-to-eat cooked food is in the refrigeator. Today, he had told me about 味噌汁　(miso soup) in the fridge. So, I turned into a soupatarian until Misha’s return.

 

Update on Green Tea Icecream

It’s the hype!

Haagen-Dazs has finally debuted green tea icecream in the US.

Here’s the proof: http://www.haagendazs.com/products/product.aspx?id=358

I spotted it in the stor about a month ago. Today, I had my first taste.

It seems to be slightly lighter in taste than its Korean and Japanese counterparts, but you can definitely taste the 抹茶 in there.

Hoorray!!!

 

Conversion

Conversion in any form is a rather foreign concept to me.

My motto in life has been largely to perserve and further my legacies and heritages–I am a rather conservative person.

My two heritages are being Jewish and Japanese. I am lucky in that these two leagacies have few conflicting values; in fact, they compliment each other extremely well.

I am also lucky in that I get the two heritages from the “right” parent: My Japaneseness–traditionally a patrlinial heritage–is passed down by my father and my Jewishness–traditionally a matrilinial heritage–is passed down by my mother.

Hence, I can claim that I am both, while there are always those who challenge that: Many hold that, to be an authentic member of the tribe, you have to be “pure.” Actually, I find this attitude to be that of the majority in both Jewish and Japanese communities. Hence, we halfsies turn into human “bridges” or tragically “mixed up” and confused existences forever…But I digress. Let me get back to my main point.
The first point is that I have never converted into or out of anything as far as I know. To the contrary, I have tried to maintain and build my originally flimsy and conditional ties with the communities of my heritage.

Yet, as a “halfsie” (a term I hate, but will use here intentionally), my membership in my respective communities has always felt conditional.

Conditional upon the fact that I know enough about the history of the people, the language, the culture, etc. That is because I lack the physical traits and inevitable mannerisms that I might get if I was steeped in the “pure” culture passed down from both of my parents coming from the same tribe. As a result, ironically, I have become much more educated in both of my heritages a lot more than the average tribal member.

I must say though, being a conditional member is a lonely existence. Constantly feeling like your membership is conditional upon your proper display of knowledge of your people, feeling like you might be under constant scrutiny… I hate it. And I see no reason why anyone else should be made to feel like this–especially on an institutional level.

This is why I am troubled by the developping discussion in Orthodoxy towards converts, Jews by Choice, or those who become Jewish after being born into this world. (see http://www.thejewishweek.com/viewArticle/c36_a4809/News/New_York.html) Even disregarding the shocking decision made by a certain institution barring not only women from becoming synagogue presidents, but converts as well (!!), the general attitude towards those who want to “become” Jewish, or in many cases, who never questioned their Jewishness (like “Sharon” in the New York Times Magazine article) as guilty until proven innocent, is problematic.

I have been told to my face that I couldn’t be Jewish. Most of them were ignorant Jews who knew very little or cared very little about Judaism and largely regarded Jewishness as a (pure) racial heritage, represented by chicken soup and matzo balls. (Let me not get into the ridiculousness of that right now.) While I found those incidents hurtful, it is also true that I felt more sorry for my friends who were sitting right there next to me not knowing what to do with such a tactless and ignorant comment being directed at me by their family or friends.

But, there was an instance where it wasn’t that. There was a time where the comment, “You can’t be Jewish” was coming from someone for a different reason. I never tracked down that reason, but I sensed that this guy was trying to be more halachically stringent and that’s why he was telling me that I wasn’t Jewish. This actually shocked me. It was the first time that someone who was religious would deny my Jewishness. There was some other prejudice at work here that was “based on halacha“. This is the kind of stringency I smell coming from the Israeli Chief Rabbi: “If you want to claim that you are Jewish, first, prove it.”

I knew of someone who grew up Jewish in the US her entire life, and far as her family knew, she was Jewish from both sides for generations.

She went to Israel, got a little (too) religious. She had a boyfriend and they decided to get married.

The community that her boyfriend and she were now a part of looked into their backgrounds and found out that, “oh no, the girl’s maternal grandmother was adopted!!” Although they knew that she was converted upon adoption, they were not 100% sure if this conversion was in fact Kosher, so they decided that “just to be on the safe side,” this girl had to convert before getting married.

Another really common thing is converts going through many many conversions because they keep having to convert under the “new” standards of the new community they want to belong to. Essentially, their conversion is conditional upon their community accepting that particular brand of conversion. I have heard of and met many converts who converted twice, thrice, sometimes even four times.

The madness has to end somewhere.

 

The Presidential Primaries

This presidential primaries is interesting to me and symbolically significant.

On the Democratic side, on one hand, there is Clinton, a woman, and on the other hand, Obama, who is multi-racial.

For me, the win of either of them would be great, on a symbolic level.

But, no, really, let’s get on with it. The presidential election is not only about symbolic meaning, it’s about reality.

I don’t want to choose based on symbolic meaning and hope that those who are voting don’t.

I didn’t have a strong opinion other than I kind of like what Hillary Rodham Clinton has done and her depth of experience. And then, when I saw the Democratic debate between her and Barak Obama held at UT Austin, I was kind of shocked that he was even being considered that seriously.

Inspirational speeches are not written by him: Obama gives the speech writers the ideas and he essentially reads what they have prepared for him. A charismatic orator is what he seems to be. I mean, if a president’s job is only to stamp and okay things, work with a team of officials, and to give prepared speeches, sure, I’m sure he could do fine. But, a president does so much more than that: They not only have to make pleasant conversation with heads of other countries and smartly fold in deals within that. They have to be able to negotiate with others without a script. They got to know a lot about a lot of different issues and have the ideas at the tip of your tongue. He clearly did not have those skills. He was such your charismatic young guy. Let me say this again, I was shocked that he is being considered so seriously for a presidential candidacy.

I was really shocked when George W. Bush was elected also. I thought, “well, the psychology must be that they want someone who they feel like could be their next-door neighbor.” But hey, if the country could be run by “your next-door neighbor,” being a president is really no big deal. Do people really want to believe that? The person who becomes president has to be incredibly smart and has had to have been to a good school with a good education–they will be a member of the elite. Of course! What’s the point of deluding yourself about that?

The amount of money that is being spent on the campaigns is absurd. Especially the fact that it’s being used on TV ads. The fact that people vote based on that is even more deplorable.

And, the New York Times makes me nauseated. They are running the strongest campaign for Obama. Almost all the articles are written to give people the impression that Obama is strong and he is destined to be the winner. Many of the articles start with lines that show that Obama is going strong. They bury the other perspective in the middle of the article and then at the end give some quote that knocks out Clinton’s perspective or position.

Every newspaper photo of Obama in the NYT sets him in the middle and in focus, which also creates the sense that “he is the man.” For Clinton, she is often relegated to the margin of the frame. Her face is small and often it is only her silhouette that you see.

I wonder if people are really not noticing what the New York Times is doing to the race?

Let me be an extremist for a second and say:

The media should be banned from participating in the race like this.

Also, candidates should not be allowed to run TV ads like this. What a waste of voter money. People should vote based on what they read on paper (or on the net) about each candidate’s position on different issues. Or watch a debate, or go listen to the candidate speak when s/he comes to campaign. Choosing a new president should not be treated like purchasing a new bike. It’s that involved of a process. It should be treated that way.

 

Shifting Paradigms–Being a Real Ba’al Teshuvah

I was brought up with humanistic values and Jewish practice.

While I had become Ortho-practice in my life after moving to North American, where it was possible to be Ortho-practice without sacrificing all aspects of life, my mind-set had never changed. That is why I was always perplexed with the question,

“so, what’s it like being a ba’al teshuvah?”

me: “hmmm, I don’t think that I can really answer that question because I don’t really consider myself a baal teshuvah.”

“what do you mean? you were raised religious?”

me: “sort of yes and no. Because you see, I wasn’t raised in a place where the default was to be Jewish and not doing something was an active choice. I grew up in a place where the default was to do nothing and to do anything Jewish at all took great effort starting with keeping track of the Jewish holidays. I was raised with a lot considering that. We kept kosher in the home and while we ate at non-kosher restaurants, we made our best effort to have as kosher food as possible. Considering there was no kosher establishment (aside from the JCC kitchen) and no vegan restaurants at the time, that already was a lot.”

“so, you grew up Jewish?”

me: “Of course! (what else would I be raised as?) We celebrated Passover and Chanukah.”

“how about Shabbat?”

me: “I had heard about it, but I had to go to school on Saturdays and decided that I would start observing it when I was in a place in my life when I could (that chance came when I was seventeen and in a certain international school)”

When I came to New York, where keeping kosher is as easy as breathing, and in some neighborhoods there are more synagogues than Starbucks, I had a wider range of choice for my religious observance . So, I followed my line of “do as much as I can to honor my Jewish heritage.” I didn’t neglect my Japanese heritage, but it did not take form of observing any religious ritual so they didn’t particularly conflict. I became more Ortho-practice because that was consistant with my motto: “do as much as you can to honor your heritage”–but my mentality did not shift at all. I was just was as much of a secular humanist as I was raised to be.

Lately though, I have been feeling my basic paradigm shifting.

I am starting to actually believe. My basic paradigm of how I see the world is to starting to shift. It does not mean that my critical mind has turned off, but when your basic assumptions about life start to change, your perspective shifts ALOT. It is a scary feeling and I wonder where this is going to take me.

 

Judaism is like which religion?

Americans often compare Judaism to Christianity. The over-used word, Judeo-Christian tradition, kind of makes me wince.

Christianity and Judaism are really not so similar. Paritcularly, Protestant Christianity (which “Christianity” has come to usually mean in American English) has very little resemblance to Judaism.

The religoin that is the closest to Judaism is Islam, then Catholicism, then comes Protestant Christianity.

Islam has a holy language (Arabic) like Judaism (Hebrew) that cannot be replaced by translations. (Catholicism)

Islam has women cover their hair like Judaism used to mandate and still does for married women.

Islam has food prohibitions like Judaism.

Islam has a sense of holy places like Judaism. (Okay, that’s one thing the Christians also share in.)

The term “Judeo-Christian tradition” was an academic term that was referring to very specific things, but then seemed to have gotten coopted by well-meaning Americans who wanted to have a sense of alliance with the rest of the American population. But, really, that’s a misuse of the term. I have also heard the newer term, the “Judeo-Christian-Islamic tradition,” which tends to be more accurate although not always. These terms are not there to make things sound fluffy and nice. They are supposed to actually describe something substantial. Or so I thought.

 

Humans as Social Animals

The other day I heard someone who ended up in a really bad situation say, “I just wanted to fit in…”

This provoked some memories in me.

The memory of my wanting to be just considered a plain old vanilla Japanese person. Making sure that I knew my Japanese well so that no one could say that, “Oh, yeah, she’s ‘half’ so of course her Japanese is only going to be half as good.”

The memory of being shattered with the knowledge that even non-Japanese questioned my Japanese-ness (because I didn’t look Japanese, especially to other Asians).

The memory of noticing the girls in college who so desperately wanted to blend in to the ‘religious’ crowd that they would wear the trademark denim jean skirts–even though her non-FFB (Frum From Birth) status was evident in other ways.

Why is that we want to ‘fit in’ so badly?

The people who I hear say, ‘I envy you because you are inherently original and special’ are the people who have a community that they automatically fit in to. It’s a pretty lonely existence to not have anyone (even your parents) who automatically fit in with.

It’s true that if you can come out of it strong, than you are that much stronger. But, then, why should we have to go through this trial? Why is it that it is so important to us that we have other people ‘like us’ around? This is probably a question that is going to keep concerning me for the rest of my life….

 

The Paradox of Self-Defence

That is that to be less likely to be a target, you have to be less afraid. Not just pretend that you are not afraid, but really not be afraid.

Fear makes you slouch, your body movement jerky and stiff, and it also makes you panic.

To the person who is looking to attack, that body language (even in the dark) spells: “Attack me!”

So, what is the best way not to be afraid?

Train yourself against possible attackers. Learn self-defense with a good teacher who is concerned for your safety.
I was lucky to have met such a teacher who had a background in Judo and physical thearapy, but also had been a military officer, incredibly strong and sensitive and big. His name, Dror.
He is one of the people I admire the most.

Misha also admires him a lot.

Looking at out little Leo’s already big and strong build, we hope that Leo also turns into a guy like Dror–strong, sensitive, and kind.

When I was first learning Krav Maga with Dror, I was often the only female student in the class.

I didn’t particularly care and neither did Misha, but the other boys didn’t take me seriously. When I coupled up to train with them, they would let me off the hook too easily. I wasn’t really “training.” They would keep going easy on me. If I got a little serious, they would be like, “ooh, you’re strong!” but I wasn’t strong enough to whip them into shape. I couldn’t really train with Misha because he was the wrong match for me in terms of height and level, although we sometimes did couple up in training.

Dror saw this and tried to get the boys (especially the ones who were good matches for me height-wise and skill-wise) to take me seriously, but it wasn’t exactly working. He would come up to me in say, “You know, Kaguya, you should really be taking this seriously, especially for your own safety. As a woman, this is really important for you….” I totally agreed with him, but I wasn’t the super-martial arts girl who was so serious that I made the training partner serious too. It’s hard to train seriously against someone who is being like, “ooohh, girl! I have to be gentle!!” So, Dror coupled me up one day with a guy who was a psycologist by the day.

When we were training, he worked to incite fear in me as he came to grab my throat. He was good. He also controlled his strength so that I got real practice against a possible attaker. Now, I was getting training.

I have been a pretty active person my entire life: Physical education was mandatory throughout my primary and secondary education and I didn’t look for opportunities to skimp out on them. In elementary school, we had annual short marathons, which we all had to run for; in fifth grade, I was on the varsity basket ball team; and in sixth grade I was on the varsity track team. In junior high and high school, I was in the Judo team and towards the end of my junior high days, I also started modern Jazz dance. I will skip over what I did in the later years, that is, from the time I left Japan till now, but I believe that this continual physical activity contributes to my naturally strong body and makes me look confident.

I have seen people express fear when walking down supposedly dangerous places. The moment they are afraid, they body language changes to what I described above. It made me want to walk far, far away from them because I thought, “well, if I were looking to attack someone, I certainly will pick this person!!”

Of course, attacks are unpredictable and this kind of arrogance can lead to foolish behavior which could invite attakers and also some will come whatever your attitude. But, I do feel like too many women are irrationally scared. I think it would do them some good to go learn Krav Maga with Dror. He will teach you some techniques against possible offenders and instill you with real confidence that will do you a lot of good.