Notes of a Jewpanese Nomad

Misha was reading an Israeli article on-line about what a problem racism is in Israel. I happened to have much first-hand experience on this issue and have no intention of contesting this statement. What I found interesting about it was that apparently, it was making a similar point to what I was making earlier, but taking it a step further: Insisting that someone “marrying Jewish” is racist if that Jew is raised secular and living secular and has no intention of “being” Jewish anyway. I agree.

Unless you have a specific reason for wanting to marry Jewish, to insist that the other person “be Jewish” (technically or otherwise) is racist. Grandparents’ wish? Well, maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with them to let them know that being Jewish is really not so important to you and besides, you know nothing about it. If you think that being Jewish might become important to you later, than you should have that talk with your spouse or spouse-to-be.

I remember back in the days when I was on internet dating sites. I had accounts at few of them to find friends, not so much dates. One of the things that I noticed was that many of the men who identified their religion as “Jewish” and identified as “liberal” on the political spectrum would say that they preferred meeting someone “white.” This seemed weird at first and was a big turn-off for me: You are giving a race preference to who you want to date? Then I realized that a lot of them probably were looking for someone Jewish (or was I being over-generous in my assumptions)? You couldn’t choose wanting to date “Jewish” so the next best bet was to say that you wanted to date someone “white” (because most Jews in the US are “white”)?

I know that when Misha was living in Asia, Misha’s mother told him that she didn’t want him bringing back an Asian girl. That was a statement that was stemming from assuming that Asians couldn’t be Jews. Obviously, this assumption was wrong, and she didn’t have a problem with me being “Asian” (from her perspective) because I was Jewish.

The insistence on marrying Jewish is kind of silly if you ask me. I’ve had a lot of Jewish parents lament to me about how their kids married non-Jews and marvel at my identification as a Jew, especially since I don’t “look” Jewish to them.

They would say to me, “why do you think my kid went off and married a non-Jew? How did you grow up identifying as Jewish when you have a non-Jewish parent?”—I don’t know. Perhaps because I wasn’t surrounded by stupid people like you who assumed that Jewishness was passed down through blood?—was what I thought, but usually never had the guts to say it, so I would only smile. I mean, really, what kind of an answer are people expecting when they say things like that to a stranger? Most of the people who insisted that they raised their kids Jewish sounded like they were not so committed to Judaism. They were simply “culturally” Jewish.

What makes me Jewish is not that I have a Jewish parent. That would have only made me have “Jewish lineage”. And if that’s all it was about, I would have been thoroughly uninterested in “marrying Jewish.” I would have felt it racist, which it would have been. By the same token, for someone to insist on marrying Jewish, even if they couldn’t care less about having Jewish wedding, is racist.

Tell me: if you are not going to celebrate any of the Jewish holidays, if you are not interested in passing down Jewish traditions, if being Jewish is simply a cultural heritage, then why care whether the person you marry is Jewish or not?

A common question I (and other kids of intermarriages) get asked is: “How did your non-Jewish parent feel about your being raised Jewish? Didn’t s/he object?”

Hmmm, interesting… So, the assumption here might be that the non-Jewish spouse will be hostile (or even have an anti-Semitic slant) towards Jews, Judaism, or Jewish ‘culture’ and still have married a Jew? Sounds like a hard thing to have accomplished unless the Jewish spouse is a self-loathing Jew (of which there are many), is involved in an abusive relationship, or simply didn’t see who they were marrying. All of which are possible, although perhaps not so likely for those who are conscious about their status of a “border-crossing” marriage.

In fact, I have witnessed more ambivalence towards Judaism and the concern for being “too Jewish” from Jewish parents more often than not. This is the same whether it is one or two Jewish parents. The outcome is that kids of two Jewish parents who both feel ambivalent or hostile towards being Jewish grow up with that intense ambivalence themselves. I have heard of a lot more intermarried families where the non-Jewish spouse was the more adamant or supportive one to instill a sense of Jewish identity in the child.

My parents? They are committed humanists, which makes them incredible curious and accepting people, particularly of their spouse’s cultural, historical, and ethnic backgrounds. My mother has made it her profession to be an expert on my father’s culture and language and my father reads up on a lot about my mother’s people, culture, and historical languages. When my father goes abroad, he looks for the local museum on my mother’s people.

Hostility towards Jewish people and Judaism? I witnessed a lot more from secular Jews with two Jewish parents than from most non-Jews except for anti-Semites.

When I was in college, I would say that I wasn’t against intermarriage and not against the idea of marrying a non-Jew. This came from knowing that whatever child came out of me would be considered Jewish by anyone anyway, and having seen just how hostile and ambivalent some secular Jews could be towards Jewish practice. I didn’t want to be with someone who simply felt a compulsion to “marry Jewish” but didn’t want to “do” anything Jewish and might even get hostile if I insisted on keeping pork and unkosher pizza out of the house.

Nor did I want to be the exotic Jewpanese wife who insured that some Jewish male’s children would be technically Jewish (to let off his guilt for having “married out”). Nor did I want to be with a religious fanatic who would be so careful to color everything “Jewish” to the exclusion of my Japanese side.

I also did not want to be with a non-Jew or secular Jew who was hostile towards all religions and religious practices, or who just thought of religious practice as this exotic cute thing that you did to make your life a little more interesting until it started interfering with your “real” life.

I wanted to be with someone who is not necessarily the same as me, but someone who would really understand and respect what I am about. And of course, without an interesting twist to themselves, I would not be able to stay with them long-term. Whether they were Jewish or not was not important.

I was warned though, by many of those who had the notion that “intermarriage is what’s killing the Jews!”

One person contested that “If you marry someone Jewish, they might decide to become religious later”—Well, if the non-Jewish person could convert, if their interests lead them that way. Besides, why did I want to change the person that I was with or hope that they would change?

Another contested that “It’s actually a lot harder than you think to have a mixed marriage.” Um, I probably know a lot more about that than you.

Others seemed to have simply worried that I would “stray” out of being Jewish if I ended up with someone who was not Jewish. Should I have been offended at that? This is the problem of being considered a Ba’al Teshuva (a born-again Jew) when you aren’t (more on that in a later post).

I did think through things though and knew that it could become quite lonely to have to celebrate the Jewish holidays and rules alone. I also thought that it would be a shame to miss out on the opportunity to have a Jewish wedding. But, I wasn’t going to rule out someone who wasn’t Jewish just for those rather superficial reasons.

Either way, if I were to be in a long-term committed relationship, there was only going to be one person for one unique match. That one person might be anywhere. I was unconcerned.